Top Five Worst Things You Can Do To Your Cat

We have a few semi-feral barn cats that I’ve been trying to catch lately, and the whole thing has become a bit of a comedy. If you’ve never dealt with barn cats, let me share a couple of things about them. First, they’re really cute. But the cuteness wears off really quickly. I suspect that being born cute keeps them alive long enough for them to fend for themselves, because as soon as they hit cat-puberty, the cuteness is gone.

Second, they’re smart as.. well, cats. Don’t take this as a compliment. For example they are smart enough to know exactly when dinner time is, yet they’ll meow outside the window all night long thinking that this time will be the one time that you (for some unexplainable reason) are going to let them come in for the night.

Finally, they are – how do I put this – friendly. Prolific. Okay they reproduce every fifteen minutes. Literally. You can watch their little cells divide if you stare long enough.

So while I’ve been trying to catch a few – so that they can be taken to the vet for a ‘checkup’ – and by checkup I mean ‘cut their little nuggets off’ (where applicable) – So while I’ve been trying to catch them, I’ve come up with the Top Five Worst Things to Do to Your Cat:

5. Give Your Cat a Bath
While it seems obvious to some, cats still end up in this obviously embarrassing situation all too often. Seems to me that cats are self cleaning, and really don’t get into that much that would require such a thorough cleaning. Nonetheless, starting our list at No. 5, and in the name of all that is decent and humane, please don’t wash your kitty.

 
4. Haircut
Another seemingly obvious thing not to do with your cat would be haircuts. How many times have you been walking down the street and seen a cat and thought to yourself “Hey – that cat could use a trim!”. Me either. But after searching on the Web a little I found that its not that uncommon for people to shave the kitty from time to time.  If you’re considering this, please hire a professional.

3. Dress it up in Anything
Now moving to things that seem like fun when you’re drunk and alone with your cat – and who among us hasn’t on occasion thought about it – comes the ages old tradition of dressing up the cat in human clothes. A quick Google search revealed images of cats dressed in everything from baby clothes to sweaters, and Halloween costumes too. Now don’t get me wrong, every time my cat gives me that look I want to humiliate it just as much as the next guy – but what would happen if someone walked in on the two of you? How would you explain that at the next office party?!

2. Feed it like your kids
Switching to a more serious topic, overfeeding your cat is really shameful. It’s not like it can order the SuperSize Meal on its own. And furthermore, cats don’t exactly exercise either, so it seems that you should follow the instructions on the side of the bag/can whatever, and give your cat a break – not to mention a few extra years of healthy living.

1. Stuff it
A perfect follow up to number 2 is another kind of stuffing – feline taxidermy. That’s right folks, when you’re at the end of your cats 15 or 20 good years, why not stuff the poor bastard?! I’m not making this up. There are several taxidermists that specialize in this ‘art’ and offer a range of suggested poses to preserve your kitty right there on the mantle. Just watch that burning candle – it might be kinda hard to get a refund…

Here are a couple of Bonus Things Not to do to Your Cat:

Stupid Human Tricks
Yeah, someone thought it would be useful to teach their cat to crap in the toilet. Great. Now I’m going to get blamed for leaving the seat up, PLUS who’s going to clean up that hair?

 
The Judges give him a 9.6, 9.4, 9.2, and… 
Some things, believe it or not, do not have to learn to swim. I can understand teaching your dog, you know, in case of an ice fishing accident or something – sure. Hamsters, rats, mice – hey why not. It’s a short lesson in Evolution, seeing how they seem to swim without the features that swimming mammals usually have. But cats? I think this is similar to No. 3, and is just another form of get-even-humiliation.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

If you have any other suggestions, give me your comments and we can grow the list!

More blogs about cats.

---

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)

• Top Five Worst Movie Titles
• The Five Best and Worst Things About Vista
• Just a Few Things About Me